Smile, You're Doing The Very Best You Can

Just do the very best you can each day. Do the basic things and before you realize it, your life will be full of spiritual understanding that will confirm to you that your Heavenly Father loves you. When a person knows this, then life will be full of purpose and meaning, making balance easier to maintain. -President M. Russell Ballard

This image is not mine. All rights go to the artist of this image. Found on Pinterest

That quote was from the late President Russell M. Ballard. He is a great man, an apostle of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints where I belong. Reflecting on January, I fell into so many spirals of anxiety. I kept thinking about how my life was not the way I planned and I felt like I was way behind my peers. I felt like a failure. I know this all sounds so depressing but stick with me and let's see daylight together. I wonder to myself, "What am I doing?" I kept thinking of the bills and I just wanted to sleep all my worries away. I'm working two jobs, one as an ESL tutor which I enjoy very much, and another, as an admin assistant. I mess up a lot with my second job and I feel a constant fear of not being good enough. My husband kept reminding me that I was a competent person, how messing up was part of the job, and that I was knowledgeable enough. But I can't help but equate my boss' feedback to my own value. And that's very wrong of me.

This quotation is very comforting. This week, I found solitude by just stepping away for a little while. When I feel like drowning with anxiety at work, I breathe very deeply once. Pause. And then push through. Affirmations also help. I watched a TedEd video saying that talking to one's self can boost morale. I tried it and I think it's working. We should avoid talking badly about and to ourselves.

There were so many times during this month that I felt unlovable. I feel embarrassed to admit at one time that I felt unloved by God. Not because of Him, but because of myself. I felt unlovable because of my own circumstances. But then I realized, my capacity to feel and receive love is equally proportional to my capacity to give love. Perhaps the reason why I don't feel lovable is that I don't feel like loving at all. I'm tired of understanding, of caring, of taking the time to actually listen. Though I was doing my best, I forgot things that truly matter.

And so, I want to follow this counsel by President Ballard. Just do my very best. Stop judging, don't even judge yourself. Believe in the goodness in everything. Believe that you are good. Many times, I doubt myself. I am full of spite for myself even when there are people who see the good in me. But I want to push through that faulty mentality. I want to stop sabotaging myself.

Everyone deserves love. But many times, we forget to love the person who never leaves us--ourselves. I know God loves me. And I have to admit, His love is everywhere. I felt His love because of my husband, my family, and my students. I felt His love in the air, in the very ground that I stepped on. His love embraces me and heals my wounds. And if the God of Heaven and Earth could love me so much, why can't I love myself?

If you're reading this and you feel like you don't measure up or you think you're not good enough, I'm telling you, don't listen to those lies. So many people need you, trust, love, and are inspired by you. Anxiety is a very hard battle. You may not be diagnosed with it, but it's very real for all of us. We all experience it. It's part of life but that doesn't mean we have to succumb. Shower yourself with love. I, for myself, am trying to do that. And since I love making lists, here are some things I think would be helpful:

1. Find things to love about yourself. Ask questions like: What feature of your body do you like most? (for me, that's my eyes) What attitude do you possess that you find helpful for others? (I believe that my patience in teaching is helpful) What good traits do people say about you? If you don't know, you can ask them.

2. Create something. There is a real healing power in using our hands to create something. You can draw, paint, can even clean. Just use those hands and create.

3. Talk to yourself in a kind way. ALWAYS.

4. Find out your likes. Food, places, scents, music, movies.

5. Fill your heart with gratitude. Examine your life right now and only focus on the things that make your heart sing.

Well, that's about it. I know this is just a short list. I will apply these suggestions to myself and hope I won't have another emotional breakdown next week.